Texas Whitecaps

 

Halloween silliness with a buddy

Houston’s 2^nd Fall came just in time for 2021’s Halloween. If you’re not familiar with Houston, you may be wondering what 2^nd Fall is. It’s one of the eight or so Autumn weather patterns that Houston gets in a season. There are usually a few summers thrown in between, just to keep the plants guessing. And if you’re a plant, you really understand Houston’s five Springs—also interspersed with a few summers and winters. I loved living in Maryland in the late 90s, where I finally got to experience life with four full seasons. We only get two seasons in Texas: hot and hotter. We do get winter in all honesty. It lasts about two weeks. But not in a row.

Of course Texas is as large as the ego of a spoiled heiress. The weather can vary greatly in this large state: from our desert southwest to the frigid winter plains of the Panhandle, down to the flat tabletop we call the valley, which is pretty much summer all year long (at least to those native to the wintry arctic tundra that the Panhandle gets from time to time).

I moved back to Texas in 2014 after nineteen years away, and this is first Halloween that has felt like fall—the way Halloween should feel—since my return. It’s usually pretty hot here in October; there’s nothing like decorating for Fall in 90 degree temperatures. But Texas kids are tough. Even the two years in a row that it rained, I thought surely I was going to be stuck with enough candy to change my name to Wonka. But as is typical in my neighborhood, my supplies exhausted early enough to shut down the lights and turn up the horror movies on my TV to drown out the continuing doorbell chimes from the late-callers. You snooze you lose, kids. Or in most cases at that time of night, not so much kids, as young men in hoodies holding out pillow cases who will surely be eating their spoils in the high school lunch room all the next week. But I’m not judging. If I could get away with it, I’d be still be extorting candy in my old age.

House of horrors

I’m always impressed at how unaffected the tiny ones are by the horror I display in my yard. I guess the lure of free candy is greater than fearing imitations of Hell. My poor neighbors, having to endure a month of my heads on stakes, spooky graveyard, bats and witches. Still in recovery mode from the covids and physically unable to accomplish reaching the high horror-decoration standards I set for myself, I decided that this year I would go minimal: just throw a few strings of lights on the bushes and set up my Jack-o-lanterns in the front window. I had to do something since the kids these days have a new modus operandi for trick-or-treating: they only get out of the car at the homes with decorations.

Then my brother and his wife invited me to their Friday night Halloween Eve party in Austin. This would be perfect. I could simply unplug my lights and not have to worry about kids showing up at my house, or the fact that I couldn’t unpack my illusions of fear kept in plastic tubs-o-horror in the garage. With the porch light off I could escape for a bootiful weekend scaring up some fun and...well...booze, in Austin. (I love it when grapes wine.) The pity of finally having fall arrive in Houston for Halloween night was that I would leave town. I’d be missing the perfect weather for the candy hunt. It reminds me of missing school when the substitute teacher was filling in.

A cold-front hits Houston

The cold-front hit on a Wednesday following a nice line of heavy rain moving in from the northwest. On Thursday the proverbial windows were opened to let a fierce wind blow through Texas, complete with wind advisories. This is the day I left for Austin, which is mostly west of Houston. For a good portion of the drive, the headwind was such that even though my cruise control was set for 80, it was holding at 74. I’m not saying that I was speeding. I think 80 might be a lower number than 75, which may or may not have been the speed limit. And if you’re Texas law enforcement, I take liberties with the stories I write and was only going the legal speed limit. Which is 75 except for the cute little speed traps along the way, where I seem to be the only person who actually slows down for them. That’s not taking liberties, it’s called getting old and wondering out loud to the cars passing me so quickly, why are you going so fast? It says 60, not 85! Speed traps aren’t as dangerous as when I was driving so fast in my younger days.

I enjoy the drive between Houston and Austin. There are some slow rolling hills, low Texas mesquite trees, lots of flowers during spring, and passing over the mighty Brazos River excites the native Texan in me. This is the longest river that flows entirely in Texas, with its watershed stretching from New Mexico to the Gulf of Mexico. The full name of the river is Rio de los Brazos de Dios, which roughly translates to “That's a very powerful and inspiring name.” That’s what the internet said; and we all know we can trust that. I do believe, in actuality, that it translates to, “The arms of God.” It was upon the shores of this river in the settlement of Washington that Texas declared its independence from Mexico. I realize this has nothing to do with my story, but I do love Texas history and I bet you didn’t know any of that.

So not only did the constant easterly gale slow my roll up highway 290, it may have pushed all of the water in the Brazos River on down into the Gulf of Mexico. While that may be a Texas tall tale, what isn’t is the fact that the retention ponds and small lakes along the route were covered in white caps. Actual white caps the likes of which I have never seen when not viewing the ocean or one of the Great Lakes of the Northern US. And the winds affected not only water, but traffic. While watching the vehicles with trailers get pushed around the road like a bully in the school lunch line was fun, it was nothing like seeing retention ponds as small as my bedroom topped with white caps. And I swear the east-bound traffic was getting a solid push with that tail wind.

White caps on the Atlantic

There was little traffic between the two Texas cities, which was nice. For once it actually took the three hours to drive to my brother’s that I always say it does—and should—but usually takes closer to four with pee breaks and heavy traffic. (Another sign of increasing age: multiple pee breaks for a three-hour drive.) I think the guy in the big U-Haul truck enjoyed the lack of traffic as well. He passed me in excess of 15MPH over the speed limit, swerving from lane to lane in the wind like a drunk man leaving the scene of a crime. “Don’t hit me, bro.”

After wondering if I shouldn’t have stayed home to drive in conditions that didn’t have me practically crabbing like a private plane in a cross-wind, it was nice to pull in front of my family’s home. I love Halloween and for years I’ve wanted to spend it with my young nephews before they grow out of their prime trick-or-treating years. But as much as I love being home to hand out treats surrounded by my scary decorations, those in pursuit of free candy, decked out in their princess, super-hero, alien, monster, zombie, and hoodie costumes will be there year after year. My nephews window for acceptable trick-or-treating years slowly closes. I may still think of them as needing help going to the restroom, even after correcting my math to remind me that they are nearing middle school—they grow up so fast. They won’t be dressing up much longer and I’m not getting any younger. To them, I must be about 80 years old. Kids these days. I think I should spend the next few Halloweens in Austin. So during this time, best witches.

Texas: all 4 seasons on the same day.

Penguin’s List of The Fourteen Seasons of Houston Weather:

February 1-10 Calico season (a bit of winter, fall and a few days of summer)

February 11-March 15 Spring

March 16- April 30 Hot

May-Jun Summer

July-August Liquid Air Summer (high humidity abounds)

September Enough Summer Already, Please

October 1-10 Fall for everyone but Houston where it’s still summer

October 11- 18 Thank the gods it’s finally Fall

October 19-31 The Return of Summer

November 1-15 Fall

November 15-30 Summer’s farewell visit

December 1-10 Fall part 3

December 11-20 Potluck: perhaps Winter. Or maybe Fall. Summer is quite possible.

December 21-January 30 Two weeks of winter but not in a row. Other wise, Fall.

 

 

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The Bell Rang

Well, that didn’t go quite as planned. It started out fantastic. I was 100% committed. I had planned...in fact, started doing so about 9 months ago, before I even purchased this home. But I could see it all quickly going downhill. My plans were not thorough enough. I'd miscalculated.

While not a complete failure, and how could it have been for all the planning, this was not how I wanted my first Halloween to go down in my new neighborhood. My reputation was on the line here. The house had been vacant for over a year before I moved and who knows what kind of people were living here before me? I had to do well!

Penguin on Halloween

The real work began about a month ago. I was the second house in the neighborhood to decorate for Halloween. I would have done so much sooner, but I didn’t want to be ‘that’ guy...the weird fellow who keeps to himself, hardly seen, yet puts out the jack-o’lanterns and orange lights just after the Forth of July. (I would have if I thought I could get away with it.) Once I saw that first house put their decorations out, it was on! Lights in the bushes, skulls, pumpkins, bats and a scary cat.

A week ago, after seeing some awesome party lights at a Halloween event I attended in Portland, OR, I added white dancing spiders and green floating witches that illuminated the front of my house. A few days ago I added a witch’s head, an arm reaching out from the bushes, and skulls on strings. I had a bat hanging from my porch light and 3 skulls on stakes, which lit up. And for the grand night, itself, I added a strobe light just behind the jack-o’lanterns that have kept watch over my yard from the living room windows the past month.

Just inside the hallway I set up a small table on which I put a creepy table cloth, 2 more jack-o’-lanterns, a candelabra covered in spiders and a few creepy grotesque faces with my bowl of treats. This year, I was giving out packages of Danish cookies! I had enough for 50 little ones; the little trick or treaters in their cute costumes, shyly (in only some cases, as it would turn out) pressing forth their plastic pumpkins, back packs or just plain old plastic grocery bags to gather their plunder of tootsie rolls, jolly rogers, dots, sour patch kids and fun-sized snickers to fill their lunch boxes until Christmas break, if they’re lucky! All that and the Danish cookie, I was giving out.

My table and treats

I’ve not done this in over 8 years. I’ve either lived in places inaccessible to kids (I lived in a back yard in-law apartment for six years in Pacifica, CA) or for 7 years I worked at a haunted house every October and was never home for Halloween. I’m out of practice. It’s a new neighborhood. I was not prepared for the amount of garbed little ones, and a few bigger ones in no costume at all. There were so many and they seemed to descend like starved locusts.

The first bell rang later than I was expecting; just after 7PM. It was a ninja and a little princess. Dressed in a black hooded robe, I answered the door, “You rang?” and acted like I had no idea that it was Halloween. Yeah, I always dress like this and I always have a dish of treats at the door! They loved it, though. And the next little dude, all of 7 years of age, dressed in regular clothes but wearing the mask of an old crotchety man (hello, mirror?) complimented my costume 5 times! He was my favorite!

A very young Penguin as Batman

Then came the Batmen and Supermen, an Incredible Hulk and an Elsa. There was a witch and several zombies. Each of the little ones wearing skeleton shirts I told, “You better eat your treats, you’re nothing but skin and bones!” The helicopter parents were there with many of them, keeping them safe, reminding them to say thank you, and in a few cases having to queue them, “Say trick or treat!” I must have been one of their first stops!

My cookies garnered many warm responses, but were dwindling fast. They came in groups. Each time the bell rang, there were 6, 9, or 12 kids. They traveled in packs. Or is it a murder? No, I’m pretty sure that’s only crows. It wasn’t 7:30 yet, and I was headed to the kitchen for the rest of the bag of cookies. Not enough. Soon, the bowl only had 3 cookies left! I began to panic.

What now? I looked through the pantry. I eyed tea sachets and packets of hot sauce. (Well, this IS Texas!) I began to sweat. I could hear more children coming down the street, see the SUVs and large pickup trucks slowly creeping down with them to keep an eye on things. The dark side of me began to think, the character that for so many years pulled the kind of screams from men and women that you normally only hear in horror movies, but this was no movie, it was me, a scary clown, looking at them and screaming back, “What are we screaming for? CLOWNS? I HATE clowns! Hehehehehe!” Being Whispers the Clown, making people scream and in some cases, wet their pants, was so therapeutic. It still is, when I get the chance...

Whispers the Clown, my alter ego

I remembered the kid, Charlie Brown. Everyone loves him. Everyone remembers how he went trick or treating and kept getting rocks. I could make the children’s day, I could send them away to actually say, “I got a rock. That weird guy that no one ever sees, who put out all the creepy things in his yard the day after Valentine’s Day, he gave me a rock.” But the sane part of me took over. I don’t take returns and I know that chances are good that giving a rock would only mean I’d be getting them back...and with shards of glass to have to clean up, as well.

Back to the pantry, the children, getting louder. I couldn’t turn my lights off just yet, it wasn’t even 8. Eureka! There were 3 bags of brownie brittle and 5 single sized bags of kettle corn. The bell rang. The bell rang. Then a knock. Eager little things. A pirate, a police officer, a parrot girl, 2 zombies, a princess and 2 skeletons...they took all I had. I saw more a few houses down. Those packets of hot sauce were starting to sound doable!

Back to the pantry. I had a box of pumpkin-shaped cookies; individually wrapped. I also had a box of chocolate chip granola bars. These were my little treats I travel with for those early morning flights when there isn’t much time for breakfast. Into the treat bowl they went. The pumpkin cookies went first. Then I started handing out the granola bars. I didn’t mention what I was putting in their treat bags. I didn’t want to be known as the guy who ran out of candy too early and started giving away odd items from all over the house (I actually eyed a cat toy for about 1/100th of a second). 

My house lit up at night

The bell rang, a couple of middle school aged boys with really no costume at all were standing before me. I silently threw the granola bars into their bags, hoping they wouldn’t notice until they got home. Damn the luck, as I closed the door, I heard the older boy exclaim, “He gave me a 90 calorie granola bar!” I’d never noticed they were only 90 calories! But there, in the dark, in my front yard, he could determine what I’d thrown into his bag, grabbed it, and the first thing he noticed was 90 calories. That guy’s going far in life, let me tell you!

I went back to the living room and took a seat. My neighbor across the street was entertaining a group I’d seen earlier. She closed the door and the kids, parents in tow, walked down the street. The lights in the house went off. First the porch lights, then the upstairs lights with the dragon in the window, then the inflatable pumpkin that had been puffed up for the past 3 weeks deflated and was now flat on the ground like a cow patty. They were done. I looked at my bowl and saw my last 4 granola bars. The clock chimed. It was 8 o’clock.

I went outside and looked up and down the street. Nothing. I was done. I had made it. I turned off my light show of spiders and witches. I unplugged the orange lights in the bushes and the 3 glowing skulls. I extinguished the jack-o’lanterns and stopped the strobe. Finally, the front porch light went off. 

Witches and spiders on my house

From outside, I could hear a groan and a small symphony of “Aww”s. I looked through the peep hole and saw a couple with a cute little girl in a ballerina outfit and her brother in a SWAT officer costume. I turned the porch light back on, opened my door and heard them exclaim, “Yay, he’s our hero, the best decorated house in all the land. His costume is the most awesome costume. All hail the great one who reveres Halloween and gives out the best treats. Behold the fall gourds carefully carved and still glowing, not from fire within, but from the sheer joy of celebrating the fall seasonal holiday of Halloween. Yay, oh yay!” 

OK, maybe some of that was just in my head, and I apologized that all I had left were a few more granola bars. But, hey, they’re only 90 calories each. I’ll do better next year! I promise.

Pumpkins, bats and the light show